He’s only a lonely and misunderstood vampire. (Image from dailymail.co.uk)

Luis Suarez was, once again, caught in the thick of controversy when he bit Italy defender Giorgio Chiellini during Uruguay’s Fifa World Cup game against the Azzurri. This is not the first time that the Uruguayan striker has bit another player.

Read on, for a tongue-in-cheek peek into the “lonely vampire” Luis Suarez’s thoughts during that moment – to find out why he did it.

My thirst for blood was getting stronger right now. I couldn’t take it anymore.

I thought that I had controlled myself so well for what felt like eternity. But in reality, it was only a year ago when I had last tasted fresh, flowing human blood. That was when I bit Chelsea player, Branislav Ivanovic. And gosh, his blood had tasted divine…

Throughout this time, I had gotten my fix from donations and the blood banks. For a moment, I had even managed to convince myself that my thirst for fresh blood was waning.

But compared to blood that’s being pumped through the veins of a human being, the blood bank packets taste quite stale. To be honest, it makes me almost want to vomit. To humans, think of it as akin to drinking sour milk.

Nevertheless, my critics and media all thought that I had improved and that I had put my vampire ways aside when I was no longer biting humans. And I was playing so well for Liverpool too. Honestly, even I thought that I had redeemed myself.

But a vampire can never stop drinking fresh human blood. It is inbuilt into our nature. It is where we get our nutrition to thrive and survive. Humans cannot live without food and drink, right? Blood does just that for us vampires. And the fresher the blood, the tastier and more nourishing it is for us.

And over the months that I had abstained from it, the more that I had tried to control myself, the hungrier I got for human blood. The fresh, flowing human variety, that is.

So even though I was right, smack in the centre of global attention, and in the middle of a Fifa World Cup football game, I had suddenly pounced, at the first living, breathing human that I saw.

Yes, I think that my brain and my body weren’t working as one. I wasn’t thinking straight. The lust had become too overpowering. And there were so many human beings, running rings around me too…

Sorry. I couldn’t help it. (Image: thewire.com)

And the nearest living, breathing human had happened to be poor Italian defender, Giorgio Chiellini.

Yes, I know that almost the entire world was probably watching this World Cup football game.

It was definitely the wrong place to show my fans and global audience, once again, that I am really an underappreciated and lonely vampire.

But I will be honest. I really didn’t want to attack Chiellini. He happened to be at the wrong time and the wrong place.

I simply could not control my intense lust for flowing, fresh human blood any more.

But at the same time, I knew what would happen if I sucked him completely dry, like what Count Dracula sometimes did to his victims. I would kill him. And I didn’t want to do that. I wasn’t a killer. I was a good vampire at heart.

So I had allowed myself only a tiny little prick and minute sample. I hope that it wasn’t enough to turn Chiellini into a vampire too. But if he does not display a thirst or lust for blood in the next week, then he is safe from becoming one.

I do hope that I haven’t changed his life forever. It is no fun to be a vampire, despite what the movies may suggest about eternal life, glamour and so on.

And yes, I promise, I will go back to drinking the blood bank packets after this.

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